Job 2:11-13
2 Timothy 4:9-18
“I’ve been meaning to ask…what do you need?” preached Sunday, February 2, 2025
“I’ve been meaning to ask…what do you need?”
We are continuing our sermon series on “I’ve been meaning to ask…” A Sanctified Art, the creative team behind the series says this about the theme:
“In creating this series, we started by asking ourselves questions: ‘How can we listen to one another? How do we find connection[...]? How do we create space for compassionate dialogue and for seeking the holy in one another?’
While the challenges of becoming beloved community to one another are endless, these questions are simple. We quickly recognized that all courageous conversations begin with simple questions and the curiosity to truly listen. …The main objective of this series [is]: to cultivate courageous conversations—and to keep having them…these questions aren’t surface level; they invite us to share our pain and seek ways to care for one another.”
And so I have chosen to preach these questions over, hopefully igniting curiosity, conversation, and community amongst those here at Boardman United Methodist Church, and beyond. And I want to revisit last week’s question before we move forward today.
Last week we asked of ourselves and one another, “Where does it hurt?” We talked about how it is extremely risky and courageous to ask this of one another. Because everyone has pain. We are called to see the pain of others and then act in solidarity with them. Sometimes that act is just bearing witness to the pain and being a friend. Which, often, but not always, is the answer to “what do you need?” I need to be seen. I need to be known. I need to be loved. I need a friend.
Which brings me to the term “Ministry of Presence.” I would go on to hear the phrase talked about in seminary and pastoral care classes…but I first heard the phrase and saw it lived out through my husband. The following is shared with his permission.
Zach’s dad was sick for a long time. Muscular Dystrophy. For him, there was no cure and no treatment. And before long, he lost the ability to answer the question: what do you need? He could not move his body and he could not speak. He lived his final years in a nursing home before he passed away in 2014 at the age of 55. When I met Zach, working together at Camp Asbury, every Saturday he would go visit his dad. Before I knew Zach well, I just wondered where he disappeared to every weekend. Once we started dating, I often went with him. The first summer we were married, we went together every Saturday to see his dad. And when Zach would go, and sit at his father’s bedside, and hold his hand, and make one-sided conversation…his dad would just look at him…and smile. Zach was giving him what he needed - the ministry of presence. That is, the gift of just knowing that you are not alone. You are not forgotten. There are people who love you dearly. What do you need? Just me and you sitting here together. What do you need? Zach and his dad both needed those Saturdays together. A dad who needed to know his children loved him. A son who still needed his father in his life.
What do you need? Sometimes the answer is as hard and as easy - as the ministry of presence. Of sitting with someone in whatever they are going through.
That’s what Job’s friends do in our first Scripture reading this morning. The story of Job is an allegory that explores our understanding of human suffering and our relationship with the Divine in the midst of it. In it, Job loses everything and everyone and Job’s friends respond to him. Now, Job’s friends do go on to put their foots in their mouths - but in the Scriptures we read today, they got it right. Job went through extreme trauma and extreme loss, perhaps most heartbreakingly, the death of his children. And so Job’s friends immediately respond to his distress.
“Now when Job’s three friends heard of all these troubles that had come upon him, each of them set out from his home…They met together to go and console and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they did not recognize him, and they raised their voices and wept aloud; they tore their robes and threw dust in the air upon their heads. They sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great.”
Rending one's clothing and covering oneself in dust were physical acts of solidarity of the grief of the one mourning. It was a powerful ritual that physically showed someone, “your grief is now my grief. You are not alone.” I wonder if we have modern day equivalents - bringing someone a casserole, sending them little daily texts just to say “I’m thinking of you,” or simply showing up, like Job’s friends, but without the theatrics.
In another church I served, we had a church leader’s husband unexpectedly die at a young age. The church member and widow was not alone for the next week. Friends filled her home, they sat together, they cried together - they took care of everything - the kids, the meals, the cleaning. They even slept next to her in bed, holding her when she would wake up crying at night.
“What do you need?” Everything. I can’t do anything but cry right now. Please, hold me.
In the Jewish tradition, they call what Job’s friends did and what those church members did, they call it “sitting shiva.” Shiva comes from the Hebrew word for seven - a period of 7 days, of solidarity with the mourning. Mourners sit low to the ground and don’t do the daily tasks. The community surrounds them to care for them during this time. They weep, read Scripture, mourn, say goodbye - together. “What do you need?” I need a community to surround me.
When we ask “What do you need?” We need to be ready to respond to the answer of the one in need. Sometimes those needs may be solidarity, support, a friend. Other times there may also be physical needs.
In our reading from 2 Timothy today, Paul does need the gift of presence - he wants Timothy with him and soon. In this passage he gives himself and others the gift of forgiveness - meeting a need for his soul…but he also isn’t shy in sharing his physical needs: cloaks, books, parchment.
Paul was never one to shy away from sharing his needs: intangible yes - but also the tangible. He did lots of fundraising for his ministries and when you’re a fundraiser, you learn not to be too shy in the ask. And because he has a good friend in Timothy, he has someone to help him with those tangible needs.
We all have those intangible needs: the need to be seen, known, and loved. The tangible needs are present as well - in varying degrees depending on the individual. Meeting the immediate, tangible, physical needs of our neighbors is extremely Christlike.
Jesus preached in Matthew 25 that when you give the thirsty something to drink, the hungry something to eat, when you welcome the stranger in, when you give the naked clothes, and when you visit the sick and imprisoned - you do so to Jesus himself. Jesus’s whole ministry involved meeting people’s tangible needs. He gave the hungry something to eat, he made the blind to see, he stopped the bleeding, and healed the sick. He cast out demons and put his body in front of those who were at risk of being harmed.
Sometimes when we ask someone what they need - and they say a tangible thing - we need to be prepared to meet that need, if it is within our realm of possibility, without judgement. For example, in seminary I often volunteered with an advocacy group for people experiencing homelessness. They said the number one thing people on the street needed was money - to allow people to have the agency to use it for their needs - to buy clothing for an interview, a motel room for a night inside, food that they liked. Of course, many people - myself included - struggle with this request. We think, “what if they use the money for drugs or alcohol?” And there are some who do. At the end of the day, how the gift is used is between them and God - the giver has done their part by meeting the need. They advocacy agency shared if you just couldn’t give money, then warm winter clothing and food were other strong needs. Another example - when a new mom has a baby, everyone wants to hold the baby. But maybe what she really needs is for someone to do the dishes or cook dinner so she can soak in the snuggles. I did tell people they could come hold the baby…but 3am would really be the best time. Following my emergency surgery, both grandmas came and did this for one night each. It was so amazing.
Whether someone needs the gift of presence, of friendship and companionship, of sitting shiva - or they need financial aid, a good meal, help cleaning the house…or whatever it is - it is courageous to ask them what they need. Think of those in your life who may be in need right now - are you willing and able to ask them what they need? Ask them how you can help? And are you prepared to meet that need? To be clear - sometimes we cannot meet the need. The ask is too great. Or the person has a history of taking advantage of offers for help. It is important to both receive the answer without judgement but also with discernment for what is within your realm of possibility. Sometimes what someone needs, just isn’t possible. Many times a spouse of a dying loved one tells me they need a miracle. Tells me they need healing. I can’t make that happen. I can pray to God that God’s will be done. I can pray to God to hear our prayers. And I can say, Lord, if you will it, give us a miracle. And yet, at the end of the day - I can’t bring the healing. I can’t bring the miracle. But I can hold your hand in the unknown.
The Rev. Sarah Are says it like this in her poem “Unlearning Hands:
“I used to always ask,
“How can I help?” but
maybe I can’t help.
Maybe these hands are too small.
Maybe the boat will sink anyway.
Maybe your heart has been broken
and grief has moved in, making itself
at home in your life.
Maybe what you need from me
is not a solution
or a plan
or a fix-it strategy,
but something else,
something more.
…
What do you need?
My hands might be small,
but they can still hold yours.”
One last thing on asking the courageous question of “What do you need?” Sometimes it is good to ask the open ended question. And sometimes, it’s also good to offer up what we can give. Sometimes, when asked “What do you need?” the person may feel embarrassed to share what they need. Or they don’t want to inconvenience you. So they’ll say nothing. Or if we say, “let me know if you need anything” - the person in need may not be in the state of mind to even think of what to ask for.
Kate Bowler in her book, “Everything Happens for a Reason and Other Lies I’ve Loved” offers a list of things not to say when someone is going through trauma and then a list of things to say…the book and the whole list is worth checking out but here’s the first thing she says about what TO say:
"’I'd love to bring you a meal this week. Can I email you about it?’"
And her response:
“Oh, thank goodness. I am starving, but mostly I can never figure out something to tell people that I need, even if I need it. But really, bring me anything. Chocolate. A potted plant. A set of weird erasers. I remember the first gift I got that wasn't about cancer, and I was so happy I cried. Send me funny emails filled with YouTube clips to watch during chemotherapy. Do something that suits your talents. But most important, bring me presents!”
Along with those presents, Bowler recommends friendship, just letting someone know they are being cheered on and prayed for, and the gift of companionable silence.
I’ve been meaning to ask…how can I help? The answer very well may be as simple and as hard as the gift of the ministry of presence, or it may be within our possibility to help a neighbor with a tangible need. May we be courageous in asking this question, opening up opportunities for us to be Christ to one another. Or, summed up in the famous quote attributed to John Wesley:
“Do all the good you can,
By all the means you can,
In all the ways you can,
In all the places you can,
At all the times you can,
To all the people you can,
As long as ever you can.”
Amen.
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